My Last Blog Expanded....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXS50YLzmUc

Here is how I feel about graduating...and it's not Chopan's Funeral March.

My Last Blog

It's hard to sum up this semester. I really have no idea how to recap my college career. I could always give the facts, but I'm not sure how to put an enlightening twist to them. I suppose...I will just start with the facts, since that's all I know. I started college in Moorehead Minnesota. I always wanted to come to MSU, but I received a soccer scholarship there and not here. One reason for that is that we don't even have a soccer team. I spent a year in Minnesota and the first semester I really like it. I made some great friends on the soccer team and had a great dorm roommate. My studies were mostly on Biology. I thought that is what I wanted to do. My second semester was when my life became confusing. I'm not sure if it was because I made new friends in my dorm, or I broke my arm snowboarding, but the girls I had meant on the soccer team weren't exactly friendly anymore. My studies weren't going well either. I was getting great grades, in fact I had a 3.8 GPA. The problem was that I was practicing soccer twice a day, then go to work from 4 to 9, and I still was passing my classes with exceptional marks. I decided that I didn't want a degree without an education. I also decided that I didn't care for soccer as much as I used to. I wanted more than just an easy for years that in my future I would look back on and think of "the good times." I chose to come to Bozeman for my sophomore year of college. I thought that here I could get a degree as well as learn a few things (like snowboarding and biking) that I could take with me for the rest of my life (or until my knees give out).

My second year of school was not exactly school. I only took 2 classes in the Fall and one in Spring semester because I was trying to get residency. I worked full time at Wells Fargo. It was awful, I've never been so unhappy in my life. I think it was because I was having to do math everyday. Well, that and I hadn't made many friends, yet. That winter I took up snowboarding and realized that I had made the right decision to move to Bozeman. I have the tendency to get bored easily and I knew that to get a degree in less than a decade I had to find a place that would keep me entertained.

My third and forth year of school I really enjoyed. I, first off, quite Wells Fargo and got a job selling clothing at Shoefly, as well as serving at Riverside Country Club. These were much happier jobs for me, and I ended up meeting some great friends. My studies were challenging and enlightening. I felt that I was truely learning how to be a better writer and text analysis. My favorite class was definitely Dr. Thomas's American Literature. She had a way of getting excited about the stories we read that made the whole class replicate her energy. There was one class where she reenacted an early American play. She jumped up on a stool and recited the lines of one of the more dramatic characters. I thought that if she could get so pumped about a play that she has probably read a million times then I need to see what she saw. It was also in my third year that I had 2 class, in the same semester, with Dr. Morgan. They were like two opposite people. One was understanding and a good influence, the other told me that I shouldn't be an English major. This statement really had an affect on my confidence. It wasn't until I meant a student, a very smart student, who was a senior. He told me that Dr. Morgan had said the same thing to him, as well as hundreds of other students. Hearing this showed me that there are obstacles in life and people you will meet that you have to overcome. I wasn't going to alter my education, an education that I greatly enjoyed, because someone told me I should. Anyways, on to my senior year.

My senior semester, this is where the tale gets tough. This semester I have learned more about life and at the same time became extremely confused. I have started recognizing the times throughout my daily routine in which I go back to where I started. Such as, the other morning I got out of bed and was looking for my sweatpants. I checked the dresser, the closet, the laundry basket. Low and behold, they were under my pillow on my bed. Simple acts such as this, remind me of all the things I've learned this semester. I think I will tell one last story that has the possibility of summing up my senior year and then this blog will be Katamshud.

Just this last Tuesday my boyfriend, whom I've been dating for quite awhile, left to go to Europe for a few months. I decided that before he left we had to go on one last trip. There wasn't much we could do in one weekend. We didn't have time to drive that far or money to fly, so we went to Yellowstone. We stayed the night in West Yellowstone and then drove into the park in the morning. Now, we've all probably been to Yellowstone at least a dozen times, but it was important for me to revisit it. I thought that by going back I would better understand the things I missed the first, or second, or fifth time. The ordinary act of driving through Yellowstone started to have more meaning. I think it was because Cam was leaving that I felt the need to focus more on the time we spent together. This caused me to start living in the present. I needed a fixed time in order to live in the moment, otherwise I would have spent my day like any other. The trip through Yellowstone was a sort of playing field where I got to practice all the lessons of T.S. Eliot. I realized that Eliot's Four Quartets, as well as all the other novels we've read this semester, are connected to our everyday actions. This semester was about advancing our lives. Just like the presentation that our group performed today, we are all graduating to a new a different life. This semester will help us with the transition into our new life. T.S. Eliot talks of exploration and I think that, being seniors, we need to grasp the concept of exploring. Our life has the ability to flourish with our degree. Most of us will move away from Bozeman and, in doing so, take on a new lives and new experiences. To the graduating seniors, I say, we will always have Capstone with Sexson.

Just for the record, I don't care for this truthful story of mine. My fiction beats the hell out of my truth.

Beethoven and Epiphanies

This semester, my last semester, I had to take an art credit. It was for my core classes and I had put off taking it until the last possible semester. I, actually, wanted to take ceramics. I loved the class in high school and, if I must say so for myself, I made some good pieces. (I even made a teapot shaped like a pyramid and put a vine with flowers around it). Anyways, it was nice. When the day came to choose my classes, I felt that ceramics would take up too much time (from snowboarding). I decided, instead, to take Music 101. I thought, "this will be a piece of egg sandwich." I had heard the teacher was easy, his last name was Funk for goodness sakes, and it would be about rock and roll. All that fun stuff. But....like any story worth hearing, things did not go like I planned. The teacher was not easy (it was not Dr. Funk), and it was on classical music. Now, I'm not much for the classics, music that is. I really just don't know much about it. It was more a case of ignorance and less of stupidity. This class, however, has taught me a lot about the appreciating music than it did the details. I still don't know much about classical music. Whether it's ABA form or ABBA, I'm not too sure. I mainly took from the class only that which related to epiphanies.
I find that music and epiphanies counter exist copacetically. This was first mentioned when we read Wind in the Willows. The flute of pan attracts Rat and Mole to their epiphany. The divine presence that the two animals encountered was accompanied by music. Music, I believe, has the ability to be perfect. Music is less flawed and limited. The Wind in the Willows epiphany then took me directly to the early writings of Greek mythology. It is a popular event in mythology for Kings to have musicians playing at their banquets. The good musicians were compared to Pan. Music became a common denominator for the gods and humans. It created a connection between the two worlds, a staircase to Olympus. This reinforced my thought that music, unlike words, can perfected. All words, when trying to describe an epiphany, seem dull or used. I think it's music that best expresses an epiphany. This is one reason Rat and Mole meet Pan and not another Greek god.
E.Y. Harburg says, "Words make you think a thought. Music makes you feel a feeling. A song makes you feel a thought.” I think this is one more reason why music and epiphanies are linked. Music has the ability of creating thoughts as well as feelings. Words may have the same power, but words, unlike music, are directed. Classical music, music without lyrics, does not have the ability to direct or decipher. The listener is left to their own thoughts. Emotions felt by music are more genuine. The listener isn't persuaded or distracted by the thoughts of others. The thoughts and feelings one has while listening to a piece of music is unique.
This is my reason for putting this link below. It takes you to Beethoven's 9th Symphony. His last symphony.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1saWiYWflQc&feature=PlayList&p=96A21C2CF53DE5C6&playnext_from=PL&playnext=1&index=3

An Experience In Time: My Paper

An Experience In Time

“If it be now, 'tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now; if it be not now, yet it will come: the readiness is all.” (Hamlet Act V, Scene ii)

Hamlet’s statement passes through so many realms of consciousness that they are impossible to recognize all at once. Hamlet is referring to the concept of time. In order to take on the difficult task of comprehending time one must first take the even more extraordinary task of breaking down time. Time is seen in three forms: time future, time present, and time past. Breaking down these forms individually will help in the understanding of such a fanatical concept. Hopefully, in my contemplation of time I will gain an experience in time.

Time Future:
Time in the future at its most basic element is the symbol of a calendar. It is a tool of measurement that we use to plan our schedule and our activities. Even in its simplicity, time controls our most mundane actions. Every morning we wake to an alarm clock that tells us it’s time to get up and start our day’s activities, which we have planned in advance. Each decision that is made is made with the consideration of time. The act of planning is symbolized in time. This, then, is time future.
The idea of the future is directly connected with time. We decide our work schedule based on our future plans. The process of planning is the process of controlling our time. What is the future if it is not a measurement of time? Simply put, our future is our growing older. When Krishna, in The Bhagavad-Gita says, “I am time grown old,” he is explaining his divinity (pg 103). Krishna’s statement is confusing because of our inability to see time as being old or young or middle aged. Krishna is making a correlation between time and the process of growing old, which is usually thought to be the same thing. By giving himself the name of time, Krishna is showing a control over all things, including aging. Time is consistently placed with the concept of aging. There’s this idea that every second and every minute we grow closer to death. This idea shows the direct correlation between our future and time’s ability to continually progress. This progression gives reasoning to a future. If time did not exist we would not worry about tomorrow.
Take the example of the divine. Krishna tells Arjuna, “even without you, all these warriors arrayed in hostile ranks will cease to exist….They are already killed by me” (Bhagavad-Gita pg 103). To Krishna, time means nothing. The idea of time is useless because it is controlled by him. Even when Arjuna sees ranks of men standing in front of him, Krishna is telling him to realize that they have already died. Arjuna has trouble understanding Krishna’s lesson because of his humanity. Time and its ability to control the future will always be considered by people because we are not the divine and we do not control time’s progression.
Time allows us to appreciate the process of aging. Birthdays celebrate the annual development in our lives each year. There are many things which are brought by the progression of time. There is wisdom, the need for us to learn from our mistakes. Without time’s constant hover, we wouldn’t need to learn or strive to be better. It’s the knowledge that we have a set amount of time to live that makes us correct ourselves and attempt perfection.
There is always that subconscious presence of time future. This is what gives time all its power. Time future is a threat to humanity because of its unpredictability. We are taught to believe that we cannot control time and therefore we willingly make ourselves prisoners to its demands. Hamlet’s phrase, “the readiness is all,” has many different levels of meaning (Hamlet Act V Scene ii). One interpretation is that Hamlet must be ready for the future’s volatility. By not letting the future catch us unaware, we have the ability to, not defeat, but counter time’s fickleness. Hamlet, during this quote, is stuck in a moment of decision. He is deciding if he should fear what is to come, wait in suspense, or make ready? Hamlet’s statement shows that he will prepare for every moment, which allows him to make direction in his future. Hamlet doesn’t give time future the advantage of being unpredictable. This idea leads to time future’s greatest question, a question that must be answered in order to understand time future. Is our future already designed?
“Time destroyer is time the preserver” (T.S. Eliot Four Quartets pg 40). T.S. Eliot gives time many names throughout the Four Quartets. By calling time a preserver, Eliot is giving time the ability to keep something safe. Therefore, the question is, what is time preserving? Eliot’s statement can mean a plethora of thing. Depending on the context, time can be seen as a preserver of the future. Eliot then gives time future another attribution to its many qualities. The future must be looked at differently in order to see it as a preserver. Normally, we see time as being, as mentioned earlier, unpredictable. It’s unpredictable in the sense that we will never know the contents of tomorrow. However, this is not to say that time is not fully unknown. If time is preserving our future, then there are things there to preserve. In which case, our future has already been planned and is waiting for us. Krishna’s statement of, “they are already killed by me,” gives the same concept. Time future exists in a realm of preservation, all is already known. To fully understand time future, we must think of it, not with questions, but with statements (Such as, I am writing my paper and I will get an A). Time future should still exist in our mind as a dark room, but we must fill this room with objects and images of intangible achievements we will obtain. We will know that these objects exist and are present in our dark room even if they cannot be seen.

Time Past
Time as it’s presented in our past should be symbolized as an infinity of things. Every memory we hold, every time we think on a day or a decision, we are envisioning time past. Our memories, therefore, act as images of time past. Time past has the power of being forever present. Our past is used in the actions we make in the present, which will therefore affect our future. Time past must be viewed entirely separate from time future in order to be understood. Our past can never be changed or altered. It is in our memories. We use time past as we use a favorite book. It is there to enjoy in contemplation and it is there to use as a referance. Time past, therefore holds a power over us, not in a way of anxiety, such as time future, but in the way of doubt.
Time past is a ghost. It is a transparent curtain which can never be breached. Our past is constantly time present fading out of our lives forever. Time past is a ghost because it constantly haunts the decisions we make. Time past is all of our memories entwined into one ghostly form which hovers over our shoulder, always ready to interfere. Shakespeare represents time past as Hamlet’s father. “Adieu, adieu! Hamlet, remember me,” the Ghost says to Hamlet (Hamlet Act 1 Scene v). Hamlet responds with:
“Remember thee!
Ay poor ghost, while memory holds seat
In this distracted globe. Remember thee!
Yea, from the table of my memory
I’ll wipe away all trivial fond records” (Hamlet Act 1 Scene v)
Hamlet’s father only asked that his son remember him. This allows Hamlet’s father, a ghost, to forever remain present with Hamlet in the form of a different ghost. By placing himself in Hamlet’s memory, Hamlet will relentlessly be reminded of his father’s words. The power of time past is that it can never be forgotten. Just as the Ghost intended, Hamlet’s present decisions and actions will be based on the past recollection of the memory of his father.
Time past also needs to be recognized as purely subjective. Our memories should never be thought of as facts. The recollection of past events is only how we viewed those events. They can never be replicated. Eliot says,
“This is the use of memory:
For liberation-not less of love but expanding
Of love beyond desire, and so liberation
From the future as well as the past.” (Four Quartets pg 55).
Eliot refers to our memories freeing us from the weight of the future and past, thus saying that our memories and our past are two separate entities. Our past refers to what actually happened to us, our memory is only our perspective on what happened. Once the time we have in the present ceases to exist we store that subjective time period in our memory. These memories are brought to our initial thought whenever there is a similar recurrence. The clearer and less distorted we keep our memories the easier our present decision can become. The difficulty is how we keep those memories as close to truth as possible.
Doubt is the power that time past possesses; doubt is what encompasses our decisions. Every memory, because of its distortion is filled with doubt. Without memory’s falsities we would be left with absolute truth and in truth there cannot be uncertainty. Therefore, our past, not our memory, has the ability to provide us with every right answer and every right direction in our life. It’s the little distortions in our memory that cause our doubt. It’s when we don’t understand the past that we have trouble making the right decisions.
There’s a point in life that we come upon where we should realize that we have experienced everything. Our daily decisions start to become the same question only asked a different way. However, these decisions still take effort and contemplation, although we have already encountered them. We live in a process of reoccurrence. The questions we ask ourselves on a daily basis are the same questions we have asked a thousand times. Why, then, are they still considered questions? If we had the ability to understand our past in its pure essence, then we wouldn’t have any questions. Our lives would not only be simple, but monotonous. We still struggle to answer the same everyday questions because of doubt. I say that time past’s power is in doubt, but it should be understood that the past, itself, cannot control us. Only the past as we know in our memories can have an effect on our present decisions and, therefore, can create doubt in our lives.


Time Present
The basic representation of time present is a clock. The watch, the cell phone, and the clock on the wall we watch everyday to see just what time it is. Time present should also be referred to as the only time. It is the only time that actual events take place. It is in time present that we should place all of ourselves, “all is always now” (Eliot Four Quartets pg 19). However significant it may seem or imperative it may be, the now is forgotten. Time past and time future have overcome time present. We live in a continuous state of doubt and anxiety. We must be reminded to live in the present in order to deprive time of its power.

In The Bhagavad-Gita, Krishna repeats the importance of detachment to Arjuna. In every lesson to Arjuna, Krishna explains the need to become detached and disciplined, “He is said to be matured in discipline when he has renounced all intention and is detached” (Krishna pg 65). Krishna wants Arjuna to separate himself from the world in order to achieve purification. One form of detachment would be from the influence of time. The anxiety and doubt caused by time can be extinguished by separating ourselves from their control. It is impossible to reside in the present state of being while struggling with the pull from the future and past. This is the reason for Krishna’s lesson on discipline, as well as repetition. Even though we cannot entirely forget time future and time past, we should become disciplined to deny their influence. We should not allow them to take away the enjoyment of time present. It is about disciplining ourselves and reminding ourselves of the importance of time present.
Krishna talks of complete detachment; however, in the essence of time, I disagree. We should not entirely separate ourselves from time past and time future. There is a level of detachment that one must achieve in order to focus more clearly on time present, but we should not completely disregard the time which surrounds us. Eliot says, “Only through time time is conquered (Four Quartets pg 16). Eliot is referring to the importance of time present. By living through the now, we become slightly detached from past and present. It is impossible to become completely detached because we live in the decisions of our past and the goals of our future. We need our past and future, we just don’t need them to dominate our thoughts. Through time we can discipline ourselves to evade time’s influence.
Again, it is the importance of discipline which we must place our attention. We cannot simply conquer time by focusing only on the present. There are imperfections we must fix in the way we view our past and future.
If we recognize the anxiety that time future can cause, then we should work to achieve a less anxious life. When Hamlet says, “the readiness is all,” he is announcing the remedy for defeating time future (Hamlet Act V Scene ii). Hamlet, before he has his epiphany, is worried of what time future will bring, “If it be now, tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now” (Hamlet Act V Scene ii). He realized that by being prepared for the future he can reduce his anxiety. It is impossible to simply live in the present because the past and future will constantly interfere. We must discipline our past and future.
The way to disciplining the future is to always be ready. This will reduce the anxiety our future can bring us in our present. Being prepared, while living in the present, will reduce our future’s influence. Thus, readiness will make it more possible to live in the now.
Now, for the past. Our only knowledge of the past is in our memories. Our memories are imperfect and this causes doubt in our present state. Reducing the influence of time past is difficult because we can never be certain in our memories. However, it is in our best interest to try. We know that our past gives us every answer; it is our job to correctly remember, “and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive were we started and know the place for the first time” (Four Quartets, pg 57). Eliot’s words suggest that we can only know a place if we return to it. It’s in our inability to remember that causes us to revisit parts of our lives. In order to perfect our memory we must take away all judgment. It is judgment that hinders our ability to remember clearly. Disciplining ourselves to view things with a transparent lens will help in our ability to live in the present.
Time present might be the most essential of times, but it’s the most difficult to attain. One must defeat both time past and time future in order to conquer time present. Eliot says, “Quick now, here, now, always—A condition of complete simplicity” (Four Quartets pg 57). He is making a satirical statement that, to always live in the now is simple; saying that, it’s a condition of life that’s easy to accomplish. He then adds, “(Costing not less than everything),” showing the realistic price of living in the present (Four Quartets pg 57). In order to completely conquer time we must give up everything, our life as we know it.
An experience in time, not only takes time, but is truly a condition of complete frustration. Living in the present, while being ready for the future and not judging the past, is difficult. Gaining the experience of time means we must completely, entirely, and utterly conquer time. The understanding will only come when we finally learn to live wholly in the present. We will reach “the still point of the turning world” at the moment we have our experience (Eliot Four Quartets pg 15). There is no assurance of when our experience might be. It might have already happened and we have forgotten. However, I’m hoping it will happen in our future, in which case we shall be ready.

My first paragraph

Here is my first paragraph. I would like to know what everyone thinks. And remember, if you don't have anything nice to say, then say it in a nice way. Thanks. P.S. I am to present on Monday....um....so I hope everyone is checking on blogs today. Thanks again.

“If it be now, 'tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now; if it be not now, yet it will come: the readiness is all.” (Hamlet Act V, Scene ii)

I learned this semester that to truly understand something one must first pick apart the symbolism. Ferdinand de Saussure believed in semiotics, the idea that every word has symbols attached to its meaning. The concept of time is difficult, to say the least. Time is ancient and also always present. Hamlet’s statement passes through so many realms of consciousness that are impossibly to recognized all at once. In order to take on the difficult task of comprehending time I must first take the even more extraordinary task of breaking down time. Time is seen in three forms: time future, time present, and time past. Breaking down these forms individually will help in the understanding of such a fanatical concept. Hopefully, in my contemplation of time I will gain an experience.

Gardener vs. Gravedigger

I was reading Hamlet, Act V, like Sexson said to, and came across a peculiar line. It was said by Clown 1: "Come, my spade. There is no ancient gentlemen but gardeners, ditchers, and grave makers: they hold up Adam's profession."
I was confused by this line, so I looked it up (or googled it) and found that Adam's profession was a gardener in the garden of Eden. This would make great/logical sense, BUT I kept reading and also found that Adam was demoted from that job after he ate the apple, thus the fall of man, ect. Interesting...I think so. What profession was the Clown referring? Was it simply the gardener or Adam's later duty? Well, in Genesis it quotes: "Therefore the LORD God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken."
In order to better understand this line from Genesis I reread, then read again and found an early passage that helped me understand. "Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field; 19 In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return."
Now, we are getting somewhere. I believe, because Shakespeare was a scenic, that the Clown truly means Adam's second profession. God is saying that Adam's new job is to dig graves. If man is born out of dust, or dirt, and we return to that same dirt later on, in our graves. Then Adam must till the ground that he eventually will end up in. This passage by the Clown is very ironic. Adam's profession changes from a preserver and creator of life, such as a gardener. To the "builder of death." Adam's profession is to build houses for the dead because he is ultimately doomed.
Towards the end of the gravedigger's scene, the first Clown asks a riddle. He asks, "Who builds stronger than a mason, a shipwright, or a carpenter?" The answer is a "grave-maker; the houses that he makes last till doomsday." I think this riddle goes back to the comment earlier. And there ends my question on Adam's profession.

The Ability of Time

I like the description of Krishna in Hamlet, just kidding, of course I mean the Bagavad-Gita, or do I mean Zeus and Semele. At least Krishna was nice enough to give Arguna divine eyes to view him. Anyways, all I am trying to say is that I enjoyed this passage. My favorite quote is when Arguna asks "who are you in this terrible form?" Krishna answers, "I am time grown old creating world destruction, set in motion to annihilate the worlds; even without you, all these warriors arrayed in hostile ranks will cease to exist (pg 103)." This made me think, and I'm not sure why, of Eliot saying in The Dry Salvages, "Time the destroyer is time the preserver." It's a short sentence that has so many meanings. Krishna says he is time grown old, but that seems impossible to my thinking. Time is more of what Eliot says, it neither grows old or stays youthful. Time is always time, it will never cease or wait. It is something that can always be counted on, or just counted. Time can be argued to never exist at all. It was a measurement made up by men to count days and lifetimes. Time isn't tangible and can never be truly comprehended, but yet we live every minute through time. Eliot asks us to live in the moment. I think by doing this we can actually defeat time. It no longer has a hold over our actions. Krishna is saying something similar to my thoughts when he says that the "warriors cease to exist." Krishna, being divine, lives outside of time. What happens with Arguna on the battle field does not matter to him. I wonder, really, why is Krishna giving Arguna these valuable lessons. What is the meaning of this? If Krishna is so great that he exist in everything and overcomes time, then why give Arguna a pep talk? Anyways, the essence of time is a questionable existence. How it encompasses our future and has the ability to take captive our past. Time, like Eliot hints, cannot have our present. While living in the present we are disengaged from Time as a divine force. (I like where this is going). Time is a destroyer and preserver because of how it controls our future and past, but time cannot be an action. It can only stay ahead and behind us, never within us. Krishna can be time grown old, because he himself is time. If Krishna is everything than he is also time as we know it.
I feel that the Bagavad-Gita and the Four Quartets match up completely. Eliot and Krishna (and Walt Whitman) talk of the ability to encompass all things.

A Memory

I was cleaning out my car today and I came across an old CD. It was a favorite of mine back in high school. I immediately remembered times I had spent traveling to concerts and watching the band. I also remembered how small the shows where and how my friends and I were able to wait around a few minutes and then take pictures with the band members after the show. Tonight I decided to google the band. I found that they had put out an album in 2009. I listened to the new album and hated it. It was nothing like the old one I found in my car. There was no rock to it...it made me feel old. Their myspace site had over 70,000 members. They were no longer the band I remembered. I realized how my past was past. I wanted to hold on to a memory and brutally found that, like me, this band had changed to. I then read an article where the lead singer had said,
“We’re really focusing a lot on every angle of the group- from the studio to reinventing the live show. Back when we first started, we were going crazy the whole time and doing back flips, but the last couple years, we’ve been very jam-oriented, spending six or seven minutes messing around like Pink Floyd.”
How dumb! My heart sank after I read this. I wondered why they had to change. They removed everything it was I loved. I loved that they did back flips on the stage. It was entertaining. This remembrance of a favorite band just made me realize the meaning of time passes. I wanted so badely for this one thing to stay the same so I could relive an old concert and an old feeling, but it only reminded me that the past is forever in the past. These band members know this, so why shouldn't I? I found this revelation depressing, that's all. Dr. Sexson always talks about revisiting a place. I felt that today I revisited a place in my past and found a great forgotten memory. When I tried to create a new similiar experience, it failed. I can never recreate what I had because what I had is gone. Just as time changed me, it also changed my band. Although, I don't like this discovery, at least I can say that I did not miss the meaning. I dwelt on this dilemma all day. All I want now is an e-mail address so I can write the band and tell them they sold out and they suck.

Remembering Our Signifiers

Epiphany!!! I was driving the other day and was thinking about class and I had an epiphany. Thank goodness I had my school stuff so I could write what I thought down. During class today, I got my notes out and reread what I wrote. After a few lines I was sort of disappointed because all it said was, "We've experienced everything, done everything before..." Then I got to a certain line that was the reason for my epiphany. It said, "This is why everything has a signifier" (ta-da). This might not mean anything to anyone, BUT it meant something to me! I had always thought of signifies as things we learned when we were younger. At some point in my life I knew that an eraser was named so because it erased something. The action or purpose of an object is its signifier. When I learned this with Lisa Eckert, she said that we know a signifier because of what we were taught as children. What if....we automatically know a signifier because we are merely remembering. If Plato is right and all knowledge is already known, just forgotten, then wouldn't signifies be a thing remembered. Knowing subconsciously that a chair is made for sitting could have been learned OR it could just be that we remembered that from a previous experience. I admit, it was a small epiphany, but an epiphany none the less. I seriously almost got into another wreck trying to write my thoughts down. That's how important this idea was.

Listening to the Lighthouse

I have to admit that I didn't read To The Lighthouse when I was suppose to. In all reality I didn't read it at all. However, I think that Dr. Sexson will be very happy with me none the less. I listened to the novel. I rented it from the public library on CD and listened to it on my 10 hour drive home. I'm a firm believer that books are always better when they are read out loud. Although a few students from class found the novel to be boring, (I think this is why I was hesitant to read it) I think the CD version gave the novel its full potential. While driving I would write my thoughts down. I had forgotten that I did this until I started rummaging through my purse. Going over my notes tonight I found these: "Charles epiphany, Mrs. Ramsay made him want to change." "Moments of the leaf-husband, Cam, dinner, walk." "Birds after Lily's epiphany." "She had missed the meaning." 8 daughters + Lily are the muses?" "Mrs. Ramsey on stairs looking at the moon vs. The Dead."

Some of these notes don't make much sense. I do remember my last note though so I'm going to talk about that. After the dinner Mrs. Ramsey checks on the kids and then descends down the stairs (metaphor for epiphany anyone). She stops on the steps and looks out the window at the moon. This image is so similar to the circumstance in The Dead with Gretta. Gabriel sees Gretta on the top of the stairs and recognizes her beauty. Gabriel, because he is the husband (and always messing up) mistakes his feelings for purely sexual. In To The Lighthouse, Mrs. Ramsay is seen by her daughter Prue. Prue has a proud feeling towards her mother. These two instances have two very different emotions. I think Prue gets it right. She tells Mrs. Ramsay that she is going to watch the waves on the shore. Instantly I thought of my part in Four Quartets. Prue, who just had an epiphany, immediately goes to watch the waves. Eliot says that time can only be appreciated when one takes the time to listen. Prue going down to the ocean shows an appropriate reaction that one should have after an epiphany. Prue finds a place where she can reflect.
Mrs. Ramsay, while on the steps, thinks of how the dinner they just had would always be remembered by the people who attended. It gives her comfort to think of how she influences her family and friend's memories. It's a feeling of power to Mrs. Ramsay. Memories will always stay with a person, thus always influencing their present actions. By providing a memory you are permanently stapling your image in another's future.

I really enjoy poetry, can you tell?

So I thought I had the all encompassing poem figured out, but no, not at all. While researching Wallace Stevens (because I like the poem How to Live, What to Do) I found some other very good, possibly better, poems. Here is one entitled

"The Well Dressed Man With A Beard"

After the final no there comes a yes

And on that yes the future world depends.

No was the night. Yes is this present sun.

If the rejected things, the things denied,

Slid over the western cataract, yet one,

One only, one thing that was firm, even

No greater than a cricket's horn, no more

Than a thought to be rehearsed all day, a speech

Of the self that must sustain itself on speech,

One thing remaining, infallible, would be

Enough. Ah! douce campagna of that thing!

Ah! douce campagna, honey in the heart,

Green in the body, out of a petty phrase,

Out of a thing believed, a thing affirmed:

The form on the pillow humming while one sleeps,

The aureole above the humming house...

It can never be satisfied, the mind, never.

I really like this poem. It goes right back to a previous blog on Derrida. Every negative needs a positive. This allows it to be explained. Without one the other cannot exist. A yes needs a no and a night needs a sun. All things and all thoughts must be illuminated. As Conrad says in Heart of Darkness, "the meaning of an episode was not inside like a kernel but outside,enveloping the tale which brought it out only as a glow brings out a haze, in the likeness of one of these misty halos that sometimes are made visible by the spectral illumination of moonshine." Stevens and Conrad are explaining the same thing, an epiphany. A moment of assurance, of yes, that the entire world depends. Isn't that similar to an epiphany? When you realize you've experienced an instance of perfection and suddenly the sun shines, a light bulb is turned on, you look up towards the sky.

These thoughts keep piling out of Stevens pen. Like he says, the mind can never be satisfied. Constantly we are learning or entertaining the mind, even when we sleep the mind still works. Sleep is contained with thoughts constantly busying the mind and vibrating the pillow. If everything left us, Stevens says we would only need the mind giving us thoughts. We need an unsatisfied mind to sustain. Although, it is tiring to constantly be thinking and thinking and dreaming (like now) there is no greater ability and no bigger exhaustion. The act of thought gives us a place in this world.

Devil's Tower?

Here's the poem by Wallace Steves.

"How to Live, What to Do"

Last evening the moon rose above this rock

Impure upon a world unpurged.

The man and his companion stopped

To rest before the heroic height.

Coldy the wind fell upon them

In many majesties of sound:

They that had left the flame-freaked sun

To seek a sun of fuller fire.

Instead there was this tufted rock

Massively rising high and bare

Beyond all trees, the ridges thrown

Like giant arms among the clouds.

There was neither voice nor crested image,

No chorister, nor priest. There was

Only the great height of the rock

And the two of them standing still to rest.

There was a cold wind and the sound

It made, away from the muck of the land

That they had left, heroic sound

Joyous and jubilant and sure.

In the poem "How to live, what to do" Wallace Stevens doesn't so much as give advise, but tells a story. It's a story of to men who stand next to a big rock (simplifyed). The rock represents a new sun, or source of life for these men. The poem continually talks of the massive size of the rock, I think this is comparing the insignificance that humans have on the Earth. To really appreciate life one must become humbled. Certain aspects of nature seem to have a gravitational pull, such as the ocean, the mountains, or the rock. People are drawn to nature, especially pieces that make us feel that we are around something bigger than ourselves. Maybe, Stevens names the poem How to Live, What to do because people should live in reverance. Just as Miranda does in the Tempest. Miranda is always awed and amazed by her surroundings. Hmmm...maybe, or maybe it's something even more crazy.

Advise from Sexson

Hey everyone,
I e-mailed Dr. Sexson asking him ways to improve my blogs. He gave me some good advise that might be useful to others who were wondering the same question. Also, if you have anymore thoughts let me know.


Brianne: the best way to improve your blog is by reading the blogs of others and thinking through what makes them work (or not work). Clearly, in the Capstone there are some who are raising the bar very high. What are they doing to raise the bar, to engage the material so compellingly? the more you ask yourself these questions, the more your own blog will begin to mirror not what they say, but the manner and energy with which it is said. Given all that, successful blogs in my experience are ones that engage the texts and themes and issues of the class and bring to bear on this engagement the full energy and thoughtfulness that comes with having had previous classes and engagements with previous texts. Then there is the undefinable---the moment of insight expressed just right---rare even for the most exemplary of bloggers. You are on the right track when you bring to us those great pictures of Frye's "epiphany places" and title your blogs "Between two waves" and "Us Then." That's insight expressed just right. You are wandering down the wrong road when you ask what else can be said about eclipses-----when you know that we could have spent our whole class on the subject and not exhausted it. So----in a nutshell, get in conversation with a blogger in each class whose entries you admire----and try to figure out what's at the source of this admiration. It would be nice too if you could let them know of your admiration. Another thought is to bring this email exchange between us to your blog so that others can get in on the conversation and add some advise to you that I inevitably would miss. The whole idea of blog is interactive communication among peers. Let me know what you think.----MS

These are all metaphors for epiphanies. The mountain top, lighthouse, ladder/staircase, island, and tower.
Signifiers such as these pictures can be seen everyday. We live our lives around signs and what they signify. A couch represents comfort, so when we want comfort we sit down. These common thoughts between what something is and what it represents are overlooked. This subconciouse connection is automatic. Thinking deeper into the subject of human connections and truths could be interesting or perhaps insane. This idea is something I may or may not write about for my final paper. I first need to delve deeper into the idea before anything is seriously written.

Eclipse....or is it?

Eclipses were much more interesting back in the day. Annie Dillard wrote as if she didn't understand the science of a solar eclipse. She describes it similar to what an ancient Egyptian might. The experience for hers is very awful and horrifying, although, very descriptive, I had trouble understanding why she was being so dramatic.

Now, in the times before scientists or astrologists discovery it would have been tragic. Seeing the sky go black and losing the source of heat and life would have been unimaginable. This must have been Dillard's thoughts during the eclipse. I googled some of the mythology and here are some ideas people used to have.

Egyptians believed during a lunar eclipse the mischievous god Seth would steal the Moon Eye of Horus.

The Mayans believed that it was a jaguar who ate the sun and who could come down and destroy them as well. Interesting fact, the Aztecs believed that stars were the eyes of demons who were waiting to come and destroy them. This was because the eyes of animals are reflective and resemble stars.

The ancient Chinese belief is my favorite. The Chinese believed that it was a dragon (or naga) who ate the sun. During a lunar eclipse they believed it was a Three Legged Toad that ate the moon.

An eclipse was always seen as a bad omen because it was the sun, a life giver and usually a god, leaving its people. The word eclipse comes from a Greek word which means abandonment (think on that). Science kind of ruined the thrill of eclipses. Now it's just the moon trying to take the spotlight from the sun (just like that girl in high school who would stand in front of you in school pictures even though she was taller than you).

Anyways, what more is there to say about solar eclipses. The moon orbits and in an instance is in front of the sun, there is no jaguar or sun-eating dragon and definitely no three-legged toad. It's a real bummer. I give props to Dillard, who knew there were so many beautiful words that could be used in describing science? Carbon plus 2 molecules of Oxygen equals CO2. I just described CO2 and it was tear jerking. No one scream, seriously, it's just CO2!

Tinturn Abby-"remember me"

The first stanza of the poem, Wordsworth talks of Tinturn Abby as if he is talking of Zion. He describes it as an old friend he missed talking with or a lover he forgot and just remembered. He then comes back and revisits his lost love, this reminded me of Eliot's, notion of exploration, "we shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring, will be to arrive where we started, and know the place for the first time." Sexson says in class it is only when we revisit a place can we truely understand it. Wordsworth's descriptions remind me of a place I used to spend as a kid that was magical to me. It was a tree behind my house in Argyle, Texas. My Dad built a swing set on the tree and it was about half a mile back from our house in our cow pasture. I used to taunt our cattle and wait for them to charge while I climbed the tree which was out of their reach. Behind the tree was our neighbors fence and they always had longhorn cattle that would stand there and watch me swing or climb the tree and read. Also, behind the fence our neighbors had a beautiful garden with a pathway. As a kid I loved being by that tree, it was very entertaining. Worfsworth seems to have a similiar memory of Tintirn Abby. He says later in the poem, "Wilst thou remember me?". I love this line, it makes me think of Hamlet, and the Bible, and Finnegans Wake. It is such a beautiful line. Wordswoth has such a connection with Tinturn all he wants is to be remembered back. It's such a humanistic quality to want to be remembered or thought of, we don't just expect it of people, but nature too. To have a connection so deep we ask simply to be thought of. I visited my old home about 5 years ago and looked in the back yard for my tree. I remember when my parents sold the place. I was so mad because this fruity couple from New York bought it. The father was highly obiese, and their son looked like a scrawny computer geek. I was mad because I knew they would never appreciate the place like my family did. When I drove by the house 5 years ago, I realized I was right. The yard was unkept, along with the iron fence my dad had taken so long to build, and I couldn't find my tree. Whether it had been chopped down, or I just couldn't see it because it was too far back, I don't know. The place, however, did not have the same appeal to me that it had when I was a child. It lacked the view one has when they are innocent and adventurouse. I realized that my old home did not remember me as I remembered it.

Life vs. a Fire Hose

During class today I was thinking of how we can never fully grasp life. Experiences can pass us by so easily, just thinking of how many hours I spend watching T.V. when I could be outside or reading (although I really do enjoy my soaps). Anyways, I paired what I thought with what my teacher had said in class yesterday about another subject. My teacher had said that our test was like drinking out of a fire hose, but I started to think that that phrase can go with class descussion. I believe that life is like drinking out of a fire hose. You can never catch all the water, but you still get bits and pieces. Even if you did catch all the water it wouldn't be healthy, you would choke or spit it up. SO, Eliot tells us to live in the conscious and then says it "costs not less than everything." I don't think we are meant to live in the consciousness. People are suppose to miss the point, otherwise we would miss the mystery. This is why religion was invented. God, or in paganism gods, are suppose to know all and humans are suppose to worship those who know all. People like to believe that one day, maybe it's after death, but in time we will come to a point where we can comprehend life's meanings. On Earth, to truly experience humanity we must make mistakes and try and learn and until we finally catch the point of a minuscule part of life. Until we catch a small particul of truth we will keep making mistakes. Similar to Goundhog's Day, he had to make a lifetime of wrong decisions in order to perfect a single day. Maybe it will be with death that we can truly comprehend our experiences, but life would never be any fun with out adventure. Adventure is truly human because it is the starting of something new and exciting. Nothing would ever be new if we didn't miss some, or most, of the water from the fire hose.

Little Gidding Presentation

Our group presentation was today. I would like to go more into detail on my part of the presentation. There can be many possibilities to each line of the Four Quartets and it is impossible to explain them all. Just for the record, these are just my thoughts on the poem, in no way, shape, or form they final or exact.
Firstly, this is my part:

We die with the dying:
See, they depart, and we go with them.--(This is the circle of life echo. Everyone and everything is connected. People, even after they leave, have an effect on how we think and live life).
We are born with the dead: (Our genetics are passed on from generation to generation)
See, they return, and bring us with them.
The moment of the rose and the moment of the yew-tree (Rose-representing beauty/love/and all layers of humanity and the yew-tree as immortality-Eliot may be alluding to life after death or also the belief in Christianity that one day, when humanity becomes too evil, God will come down to Earth and split the bad from the good. Then at the end of the world humanity and immortality will be one in the same)
Are of equal duration. A people without history
Is not redeemed from time, for history is a pattern
Of timeless moments. (Time is always present even for those without history. Also the thought of memory, memory is without time. History can never be disconnected from memory, which brings along a biased perception.)
So, while the light fails
On a winter's afternoon, in a secluded chapel (Winter, such as Nick talked about is a dead year-Eliot may be referring to the effects and feel of the war as being continual)
History is now and England. (History is now because the War is making history)
With the drawing of this Love and the voice of this
Calling (Love and Calling being capitalized maybe referring to God's love and God's calling. They say you won't find an atheist in a foxhole, a war of this magnitude strengthens religion when there is nothing left)
We shall not cease from exploration (Life is a continual adventure, we continue learning and making changes, however small, that effect our life. Also, death is an adventure, probably the greatest adventure. Even in our last years of decrepitation we keep exploring)
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started (I thought of the ocean with this line, In the King James Bible, the creation story talks of God creating water first, Eliot says we need to arrive where we started which could be seen as the sea)
And know the place for the first time. (The ocean remains a very mysterious entity that can never be known because of humanities limitations)
Through the unknown, remembered gate (The gate in this section could be referring to the gates of heaven or the gate could be a representation of a new beginning, entering into a new realm. I thought the arch that I saw in Cabo San Lucas was a good image because it is gateway to the pacific ocean)
When the last of earth left to discover
Is that which was the beginning;
At the source of the longest river (This could still represent the sea, the Nile River comes from the Mediterranean Sea)
The voice of the hidden waterfall
And the children in the apple-tree (childhood is a time of purity and innocence and also the beginning of our life)
Not known, because not looked for
But heard, half-heard, in the stillness
Between two waves of the sea. (The silence between the waves is a sort of measurement where a person can really appreciate the consciousness, if listening intently. However, people listening to the ocean listen to the waves crashing, Eliot asks us to listen to the in between or the stillness between two immensely dramatic objects)
Quick now, here, now, always— (The consciousness again that Eliot wants us to live in)
A condition of complete simplicity (Saying that it should be so simple to live in the present)
(Costing not less than everything) ---(Here Eliot says, just kidding, living in the present isn't easy because it will cost a person all they have, including their past, their memories, and their future expectations)
And all shall be well and
All manner of thing shall be well (Again, like Katie says, the Julian of Norwich quote, Eliot may have seemed negative and dark in the earlier quartets, but in the end I think he believes life will work out with religion)
When the tongues of flame are in-folded (Tongues of flame could be referring to what Abby was saying with the serpentine tongues of the dove, "a fallen angel," being tamed)
Into the crowned knot of fire (Crown representing a King or God as the King taming the fire or sin, also fire being the purifier can be seen as a controlled purifier of humanity)
And the fire and the rose are one. (I felt like the rose really is a signifier of humanity and the fire again could be a few things, either sin or redemption. I think redemption goes better because of the quote "all shall be well," if humanity has redemption and also if humanity and immortality are of equal duration then fire would better describe redemption)

Life Cycles

I've been working on my part in the Little Gidding presentation and what I plan on saying. I enjoyed group 2's presentation on Wednesday. Sam brought up the life as a cycle concept and I a lot of the Little Gidding references made more sense. I had thought of that earlier when Eliot says, "We die with the dying, see they depart and we go with them, we are born with the dead, see they return and bring us with them." This made me think of how everyone is a part of everything and that fits perfectly with the circle concept. However, today, at lunch, I was talking with Tai. He had his own ideas on Eliot's view on life. I won't say much more because he should do his own blog on it, but Tai's conversation brought up the idea of shapes. While eating we drew out our epiphanies (not great epiphanies by any means). So, the Past, Present, and Future could be seen as a straight line, such as this: Tai has a different approach that is a square and, like I said, he needs to explain that. I don't want it to seem like I stole his idea, mostly because my idea is much more awesome. On with the point, I thought life should be seen as a triangle. So far, we have a line, a circle, a square, and by goodness, we need a triangle.

Here's my view, with Tai's help (I suppose) on life:

Don't worry, I will explain for the low brows. The roof over the house is made up of our past, present, and future because it is what gives us shelter and solace. Our life is spent under the roof and protection of our home, not to mention the roof holds under all our memories and liberations. Next comes the walls, the structure of the home because "Home is where we start from." The door, you will see, is red, such as the color of Past. Reflecting our past experiences in our home, emphasising where we started from. The tree came next. It is the tree of wisdom, trees in literature represent age, a life form that has been there many generations, I also added Owl to the wisdom tree. The river is then drawn representing knowledge. Ever flowing and unattainable. "At the source of the longest river" is knowledge, also known as the sea. We came from the sea and thus, we will return. Floating in the river is the lotus flower signifying birth and rebirth through the water. Last is the hidden gate because lastly we will return to the "unknown, remembered gate." Yet, the key can only be discovered with an understanding of past, present, and future. In this is the meaning of, "my end is my beginning."

Mexico

So, I'm sure you're all wondering where I was for a week. Well, I was in Mexico, for a few reasons. One was a friend's wedding, but more importantly, for capstone research. I felt that to truly understand what "between two waves of the sea" meant I had to experience the act myself. Of course, to do this I had to go to Mexico where it was 85 degrees and sunny. I realized there are always pictures and paintings to be seen of the ocean or of waves crashing against rocks and even though pictures can be beautiful, they can never show the feeling that the ocean gives a person when watching the waves come onto the beach and realizing the immense power that those waves hold. When Eliot wrote, "Not known, because not looked for, But heard, half-heard, in the stillness, Between two waves of the sea." He intentionally compared silence and peace with the ocean. When standing next to the ocean you realize that it is the opposite of silent and peaceful. This is the struggle that Little Gidding presents, the same struggle that we have in understanding epiphanies. Just as the stillness between two waves is almost impossible to catch, so is the meaning of our little epiphanic moments of perfection. The stillness, even when looked for can be unknown to the seeker. While listening intently one night to the crashing of the waves, I realized that there might not be an "ah" epiphany waiting in that second of silence. Instead, maybe that moment in time is meant to be appreciated rather than exasperated.

Confussion and Epiphanies

I have this great story that relates to a few differant things that we have been talking about. Kevin's blog says, "For Mole, 'A great Awe fell upon him, an awe that turned his muscles to water, bowed his head, and rooted his feet to the ground.'" When I read this, I thought to myself, I've definately had an experience like that. It was an experience that I could never forget and when I tell the story I am able to remember every detail. Forgetfullness has not hindered this certain epiphany of mine.

When I was a freshman in high school, I was staying at a friend's house. We were up late watching a movie and when the movie ended it was about 3 a.m. She had a dog at the time and it was barking to be let outside. I got up opened the backdoor they had, which was a sliding glass door, and put the dog on the leash outside. Now, looking out her back window you would see her backyard and then a grove of thick trees. This particular night it was clear and there was a full moon and I remember it being very bright outside. I was watching her dog out the window waiting for it to finish its businness so I could bring it back inside and go to sleep. The dog, I noticed started to bark at something in the trees. When I looked up to see what it was, I was shocked, I couldn't move, it was as if my face was paralyzed. I saw a figure, the shape of a man, and the perfect profile of a man's face. Yet, it was grey and transperant and the figure glided, not walked, through the trees. I watched the man or ghost or whatever the entire time until it left my sight. I remember thinking reapetively, "please don't look over here" because I knew if he did he would see me starring directly at him. Also, the dog that was outside, was barking at the figure the entire time, and the dog too, was following the ghosts movement.

This experience I had has always haunted my thoughts. Everytime I hear a supernatural story, I think back on my experience. The ghost in Burnt Norton along with Kevin's blog reminded me of this story. I also feel that my interaction with something other worldly has left me confussed, a feeling, which I believe should be added to the definition of epiphany. In Chapter 7 of Wind in the Willows, Rat cannot speak, he cannot think of the right words to describe his experience. This is true of every big epiphany. Words cannot express one's feelings, because the ephiphany is, like my experience, otherworldly. An epiphany is perfect, a brief moment of godlike grandeur that presents itself to humanity. Humans are ultimately flawed, we make mistakes, thus words, which were created by man could never fully describe an ephiphany because man can never fully understand a moment of true perfection. This is why Dr. Sexson tells us to forget our epiphanies (with a wink and a nudge) because they are unattainable.

Home They Brought Her Warrior Dead

The Piper at the Gates of Dawn is the big epiphany in The Wind in the Willows. Their are other little epiphanies, such as in chapter 11, 'Like Summer Tempests Came His Tears.' Toad comes back from his great adventure and finds Toad hall overtaken. After Rat tells him that Mole and Badger have been camping outside the hall, Toad starts sobbing and sincerely realizes how ungratefully he has been. This is one of the epiphanies that Toad has that changes him into a humble toad. However, I brought up this chapter for any other reason. The chapters name is from a poem by Alfred Lord Tennyson titled "Home They Brought Her Warrior Dead." The poem goes like this:

Home they brought her warrior dead:
She nor swooned, nor uttered cry:
All her maidens, watching, said,
'She must weep or she will die.'
Then they praised him, soft and low,
Called him worthy to be loved,
Truest friend and noblest foe;
Yet she neither spoke nor moved.
Stole a maiden from her place,
Lightly to the warrior stepped,
Took the face-cloth from the face;

Yet she neither moved nor wept.
Rose a nurse of ninety years,
Set his child upon her knee--
Like summer tempest came her tears--
'Sweet my child, I live for thee.'

I think the poem is connected to the chapter, but in a weird way. Toad returns home in this chapter, believing himself to be a warrior, but Toad is not dead (nor a true warrior), such is the warrior in the poem. I believe Toad is both the warrior and the mother. When Toad returns it is a part of himself that has to die in order to live peacefully in Toad Hall. He weeps for the carefree and childlike Toad that can never drive cars or give speeches again. Toad is so conceded that he plays both roles of the poem, it's pretty humorous.

The least important blog you'll ever read...

So I did something foolish. Tonight I worked a banquet for Gallatin Beef Producers, it was their annual Christmas/New Year banquet that they do every year at Riverside. At my table was the head honcho of the Galltatin Beef Producers, a sweet elderly man who didn't have any teeth left, thus he had to have his burger medium well. During dinner I asked how his burger was and he said delicious, then he said something that caught me off guard. He said, "I bet the people of Haiti wish they had a burger such as this," but what I heard was, "I bet the people of Hades wish they had a burger such as this." So, thinking he was joking and trying to be clever, I said, "Yeah, but they don't deserve it" (being the people belonging to Hades). I walked away with a proud "I'm funny" strut, all the while he thought I believed the poor people of Haiti did not deserve a good burger. Realizing what was actually said I found myself with an expression of horror. I, of course, went back and told him our miscommunication and we proceeded to talk about how awful the events in Haiti were.

The most important blog you'll ever read...

I just read in the syllabus that the first blog must be about my expectations and my English career; so I'm going to make it my second blog.
Now, I, like most women, do not enjoy talking about myself. However, if Dr. Sexson insist....it all started when I was 5 years old...(just kidding). My English career isn't one of much interest to others. When I was very young I found that I loved reading, even when I didn't understand exactly what I was reading. I have always enjoyed the classics (and would someday like to fill a rich mahogany library with all my leather bound books). I decided as a sophomore that instead of getting a degree in something I hated (biology) that would make me money, I would do something that I enjoyed and be a waitress on the side.
As for my expectations of this class, they're high. I really wanted to be in Dr. Sexson's capstone and I handed in my graduation papers very late. I believe that there is a fine line between persistence and annoyance and I definitely crossed it. The end result was of course getting into the class and the secretaries relief that I stopped calling. Last Spring semester I was in Dr. Sexson's greatest Oral Traditions class and coincidentally I wrote my last paper on the Four Quartets. Of course, to fully understand the quartets one needs to study them for years until old age and frustration overtakes their mind. I am excited to go over them again and hopefully solve a few mysteries that I struggled with last year.

Explaining my Blog Title

I chose the title "Between two waves of the sea" because, if you haven't guessed, it is from Little Gidding, which, by the end of the year, will be my groups specialty. The full verse is:

"We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
Through the unknown, unremembered gate
When the last of earth left to discover
Is that which was the beginning;
At the source of the longest river
The voice of the hidden waterfall
And the children in the apple-tree
Not known, because not looked for
But heard, half-heard, in the stillness
Between two waves of the sea."

I felt that the title was appropriate because our class is about epiphanies and Eliot is describing a hidden truth only found in an unknown silence. Professor Sexson was talking in class (although it may have been in the emergent literature class) about returning to a time and place or deja vu. In the simplest of forms, Eliot is saying epiphanies can be found "between two waves of the sea." Hopefully as class progresses I can better dissect the meaning of Little Gidding, especially this verse since it is the one I am suppose to memorize.